


Breakfast Chez Casa Mr Metal Pants

by misura



Category: Deadpool (2016)
Genre: Implied Relationships, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 23:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10954992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: Deadpool shows off his keen insight, impeccable table manners and boundless imagination.





	Breakfast Chez Casa Mr Metal Pants

"Wade, please." Colossus looked pained. "Is unseemly topic of conversation at breakfast. Have some fruit. Some milk. Calcium good for you."

For those of you slowpokes just tuning in: hello. Didn't _you_ miss out on all the good stuff.

"Yeah, you see, you say 'fruit', I'm thinking banana. Or maybe mango. Strawberries? Put some whipped cream on those bad boys and we're in business, baby. Or better yet: melted chocolate dip. As to milk - don't even get me started. You know where that stuff comes from, right?"

"Milk comes from cows. Happy cows live on happy farms with much pasture and chickens."

"What, no happy chickens?" Vanessa asked.

"Too many adjectives make sentence seem too full," Colossus said. "Simple sentence is best. Clear meaning, yes?"

"Like mud. Or milk. Look, I'm just saying, now that we're X-buddies, I think I'm entitled to meet the rest of the family. If there is a rest of the family."

"You know very well there is rest. I think you are having a pull at my leg, no? Making fun?"

"Speaking of fun ... "

Colossus shook his head. "No. I tell you already."

"It's called a 'teaser'. You know, something to make sure that I'll still be paying attention - oh, say, eight hours from now? And yes, I know, nutritional value, vitamins, yadda, yadda, but I was thinking: pizza?"

"Have apple."

"Ugh. A little help here, babe?"

"Apple Pie Day," Vanessa said, sipping her coffee like a classy, foxy lady.

"Thanks, babe."

"You're welcome. Is this bread whole-meal?"

Colossus's face became extra shiny. "Of course. Good for making young ones grow big and strong."

"Put some shiny metal on their chest, eh?"

"Wade. Please put down apple."

"What? You never seen a guy eat an apple before? Besides, you were the one who said you wanted me to have it. Make up your mind, why don't you?"

"Is good and bad way to eat apple. Your way, not good way."

"Well, ex-cuse me, Mr Food Police Man."

"Excused. Now hush. Less talk, more eat."

"Clearly, you need to do some work on this whole buddy thing. I mean, isn't that the whole point of you X-losers all living together? Nightly orgies or, excuse me, 'team bonding'? Putting the triple-X in X-men?"

"Is only one X in X-men."

"Oh, sure, go all grammatically correct on me. C'mon, share. Is it true what they say about Professor X and that other dude - whatsisname? Arch-enemies by day, making sweet, sweet love by night? Or maybe it's more of a hatesex thing? That can be superhot, too. I'm not judgy."

Colossus sighed. "Wade, really. Judgy not proper English word."

"Hey, here's a crazy idea. Metal dude, dude who bends metal with his mind, and a dude who, for reasons both obscure and obvious (I mean, have you _seen_ Fassbender's abs? whoa mama) loves the dude who bends metal with his mind. Perfect threesome. You sly, big lug, you."

"These crazy ideas you keep having, they worry me. Perhaps you lack vitamins."

"Trust me, if there's one thing I don't lack, it's vitamins. Right, babe?"

Vanessa had picked up a newspaper. "Whatever you say, babe."

"That's what she said last night. Know what I said back? Well, never mind. I'm a gentleman."

"No, you're not."

"Right. Not a gentleman. But back to you and your crazy sex adventures with two dudes who, let's face it, kind of getting on in years now. Unless someone pulled the time-travel card again. Did someone pull the time-travel card again? I hate it when they do that."

"I must be making ready for children now. Many mouths to feed in morning."

"Oh, sure. Run away. But just so you know, this conversation? Not over."

"Whatever you say, Wade. I go now."

"Oh. Oh! He did not just go there!"

"Where? To the kitchen?" Vanessa flipped a page.

"I think we just got invited for our first X-threesome. And, just for the record, I'm game if you are, but if we do this, it might annoy some really, really scary people. I mean, seriously, 'reach inside your brains and turn you into a Backstreet Boys fan' scary."

"Didn't they split ages ago?"

"That's the scary part. Guaranteed heartbreak. So what do you say?"

Vanessa put down the newspaper. "Your room or mine?"

"I love you."


End file.
